Some nights are worse than others…
I sit up at 2AM (eastern time) writing down what I’m feeling because in these moments of darkness is when my truest feelings come alive.
In my first post, I told you all a lot about my abuse of meth. It was bad. But the little huge details I left out were the worst parts. The ones that keep me up this late at night with nightmares.
On May 23rd 2015 I lost custody of my son.
I was a new mom, and the baby blues hit hard. That’s a good portion of why I started using in the first place (a good excuse that is) other than my stupid self “loving” a drug addicted jerk.
Anyway, I lost my son and of all times it was the day I had decided I didn’t want to use anymore. DCS and the cops showed up at my door demanding a drug test and I failed…
I failed my son…
I failed my family…
But most of all I failed myself…
Tonight as I try to fall asleep all I can think about is how sad it really makes me that I wouldn’t just say no.
I could throw pity parties for years on the amount of ways I screwed my life up but that’s not what I want to do.
At least I don’t think it is.
My goal here is more to express myself than to gain sympathy or anything of the sort.
Call this one a diary entry I suppose.
I lost my son two years ago and soon I’ll be signing the adoption papers for him to be adopted (within my family).
I guess my biggest fear is that if one day they aren’t close by I won’t be able to see him on important dates or if they’re mad at me I won’t be able to see him or anything that’d make me lose touch with him in any way. I’m honestly crazy when I think like this they’d never do that to me.
My logical thinking knows one thing while my emotional thinking feels another. It’s painful to feel so emotional about something and have to force yourself to think logically.
I can be as happy and positive on paper or online as the “worlds best mommy” could. But every now and again I honestly believe y’all deserve to see the ugly side of sobriety.
Didn’t I say once before that this really sucks?
Sobriety is the best thing I could’ve ever done for myself and I know that and I’m happy to be sober. Drugs won’t fix what I’ve screwed up while on drugs. Sort of a conundrum there.
My heart aches so badly for what could’ve been but my mind won’t let me grieve properly because I know it’s my own fault. I’ve cried, screamed, pitched many fits, acted like a child and broken plenty of things and I still feel like I can’t shake what I’ve done. I love my little boy with all my heart and I always will but he has a family who’s raised him since he was a few months old.
He doesn’t remember me.
I’m not mommy.
I don’t deserve to be mommy. I messed everything up!
I’ve had a daughter since then and she’s 1&1/2 and now I’m pregnant.
You would think I’d be able to feel less like shit about this situation being as I have made a life for myself and let my son be with the wonderful people who’ve raised him so very well.
But I still feel the ache in my heart from when he was first taken.
In fact, all I can see is the caseworker taking him out of my arms.
I try to pull myself together before I ruin a good day but sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes I just feel the need to seclude myself and be left with my own mind. It’s not healthy and I wouldn’t recommend it.
I suppose when I logically think about how far I’ve come and where I am in life now compared to 2 years ago, I’m proud and happy. But when I start to think of when I lost my son… It brings on a wave of anxiety and depression that usually lasts a few hours or at most a couple days.
I’ve never been one who does too well with speaking with a counselor or anyone for that fact that I don’t know and don’t trust. My husband is about my limit for talking about personal things not including a couple of close friends.
(That would also be why I mentioned in an earlier post that I am not forcing the idea of going to meetings down anyone’s throats because they don’t work for me. If they do work for you, great! I am happy you found an outlet but it’s not for me.)
My best outlet has always been to just talk about it.
Who knows, maybe someone out there is feeling the same way and this might open their eyes to seek help or realize they’re not alone.
Some of you might wonder how I get by on a day to day basis, and that was easy for a little while in the beginning…
I was all about faking it til I made it.
If I couldn’t find it in myself to be happy, I wore a smile and had the best attitude because I had no other choice.
In the latest year/months it’s been more about focusing on the stuff that matters.
Don’t be confused my son will always matter, however I know for 100000% fact that he is in the best of hands and has a wonderful mom and dad who love him so much they’d do anything for him.
What I mean by “the stuff that matters” is more of my own issues and my own problems that are right in front of me.
Feeding my daughter
Making my husband happy
Keeping my mood in check
Remembering that sometimes wearing a smile can make even the grumpiest person happy again.
Knowing that telling my story could save someone’s life.
I have to keep pushing just like everyone else who’s battling their demons. Mine just so happens to be in the shape of a 2 year old that I love very much. One day I will win this battle but for now I will do the unlogical, very emotional thing and just have myself a good cry.
Never be scared to release your emotions. They’re powerful and if you don’t ever let them get out, they will kill you.
Have a wonderful day, to all of you. I am aiming to have a better day tomorrow and a more peaceful nights sleep. 💕