Day 848

Tonight I am getting stuck inside my head so I might as well write it all down, otherwise I’ll never get rid of these annoying thoughts.

Yesterday I lost a friend. Someone I really cared about and wanted to help. My heart really hurts because of this and the only emotion I know to show is anger for all her wrongdoings. My head spins with what if?’s and what could I have done better?’s.

I find it particularly hard to accept when I can’t do anything about a situation because I derive a bit of happiness from being able to control a situation. Call me crazy, but control is all I’ve been able to have for the last 848 days of my sobriety, so I hold onto it when I can. 

I don’t know why I’m so particularly heart broken over this one situation though. It’s not like we were the best of friends. We didn’t know a lot about each other and we weren’t very close. Sure, we talked and swapped our stories and I felt a great deal of relief in really being a good influence on someone who desperately needed it. 

Until she showed me she didn’t want it…

My heart hurts. I shared my most inner struggles with her about my past addiction and she really had been trying to do better, or so I thought…

Where did I go wrong?

Generally I’m a good teacher, guidance person or whatever you please to call it. I lead people in the right direction even if I sacrifice some of my own happiness in the process because I feel an irritating sense of responsibility to drug addicts… especially those who have helped me in the past (not necessarily with my addiction, but with anything.)

I felt the desire to really help this girl with her problem. I pushed myself to my limits with her getting my trust broken time and time again, holding in my anger when I wanted to yell, because that never truly solves anything.

Countless hours I spent talking to her about everything I’d gone through to try and give more perspective in her own life and to help her to get away from everything she was doing. To be a better person. Not only for herself, but for her family as well. She was genuinely a good person when she wasn’t getting high and I could see that deep down.

I made it my mission to be there when she was ready to let go of the drugs and find a better path in life, offered my help and patiently waited for her arrival of the conclusions I’d set forth many days before.

Just to be clear, I’m not mad at her for going back… I understand that addiction is rough and extremely hard to overcome. I held this girl while she cried one night and we spent hours talking about a better life that she could’ve had if she would’ve only tried a little harder and accepted the help I’d wanted so badly to give to her. 

Maybe that’s why she resisted the help, maybe I pushed her too hard, maybe I wasn’t who she needed to push her to be a better person. I have a lot of unanswered questions and I won’t say her name or anyone she’s connected to because it’s none of anyone’s business.

I know she’s in there… she just has to fight to show the world how great she can be.

I feel defeated honestly and I’ve lost some hours of sleep sitting up at night obsessing over what I could’ve done to help her better or what I didn’t do enough of to push her through the rough part…

My logical brain understands there’s nothing I could’ve done to prevent the inevitable, sadly. However, my emotional brain doesn’t realize where I could’ve went so wrong. I write hundreds, hell I write thousands of words all the time about making life better for addicts and all this inspirational stuff and I feel like a big fat phony because I couldn’t even manage to help one girl in real life.

What did I do wrong? Why did I fail this girl? How can you fix what’s been permanently broken? She’s no longer here with us, she left sometime yesterday & isn’t returning. I have to wonder these things, I guess my subconscious is playing games with me trying to make me feel guilty for something that isn’t my fault.

It isn’t my fault… there’s nothing I could’ve done to prevent this. 

Then again, what if I could’ve?

My heart hurts because I know the damage this has caused and I know the aching will go away but right now I feel like a failure. I feel as if I could’ve done better. As if I could’ve controlled the situation better. A good friend would’ve kept trying but I feel like I gave up in a way because I felt slighted by the lies and diception.

I don’t want a bunch of “you did the best you could” speeches because like I said, my logical brain knows that… Now the rough part of getting through the emotional struggle comes into play.

I wanted to see so much better from her… she was on the right track for a couple days, I was sure of it…

Maybe next time someone cries out for help, they will actually want to help themselves as much as I want to help them.

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